Dying to Live

One by one. I've had to lay down my lofty ideals even the ones I thought were godly and worthy of my love and life. My most precious friendships, my most selfless ambitions, even my childlike innocence; Nothing was spared but each one was taken from me and systematically dismantled and destroyed beyond recognition.

Against my will.
Despite my strong protests.
My pleas disregarded.
My tears unnoticed.

Till I am standing stripped of every thing I treasured and worshipped.
My hands empty.
Till I am bleeding; torn without remedy.
My heart irreparably broken.
Till I despaired of ever being restored.
Drunk blind with disillusionment.

Is there hope for one such as I?

Can God put me together again?

Yes He can. He did not bring me this far to abandon me. His love for me is unfailing and eternal. He will restore this weary soul.

I WILL BE GOOD AGAIN. I KNOW IT.

But not the way I was before.

Minus my selfish pride,
Minus my smug self-righteous ways,
Minus my suffocating self-pity,
Minus my self-reliance,
Minus my need to vindicate self.


You see, Self is the only real enemy.

How will He accomplish this? It's not for me to know.

I only know God ordered this path for me. It was He who escorted me to Golgotha's hill. It was His hands that nailed mine to that cross. It was His spear that pierced my side. And finally it was He that left me there to die.

But I did not die alone. We died together. We suffered humiliating shame and crushing defeat, together. We felt the sting of betrayal and the pain of rejection, together. Together we drank from the cup of suffering and together we swallowed the last bitter drop.

But it was needful. Just as it was needful for Jesus to die on the cross so He could buy your freedom and mine.

In order to heal, I had to hurt.
In order to live, I needed to die.
To greet the dawn, I must endure the night.

I'm waiting for the 3rd day. When the tomb will be opened. And the dead will come alive again. Resurrected by the power of God. Filled with the Spirit of God. Complete and whole again.

But you won't recognize me.

Instead you will behold the Christ. HIS righteousness. HIS Faith. HIS Truth. HIS love. HIS Compassion.

A new creation. Conformed to the image of Christ - God's beloved Son.

All of Him and none of me.
He must Increase but I must Decrease.

God, don't let me interfere with the process. Don' let me tell you what to do. Don't rescue me; don't release me until I am well and truly dead to the carnal fleshly me.

So that I may know what it is to truly Live.

Galatians 2:20-21
20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

Matthew 10: 38, 39
and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.