My darling girl

I am suffering from emotional stress. My breathing is laboured and just last week i felt it choking the very life out of me. I had to see Dr. Mike. He said i am headed for a nervous breakdown if i don't deal with it. Seems like I've been dealing with it forever. How long Lord? How long must i suffer the unjust practices of so called 'godly' men? Forgive you said. Let it go. Bury the past and don't look back. I do but i see it again & again.

What is forgiveness? It's cancelling the debt owed to you. It's choosing to bear the consequences of someone else's sin. It's accepting the pain of betrayal while releasing your offender from the punishment he deserves. It's a very noble thing to do. It is for that reason, Jesus is my hero. It's why i think Nelson Mandela is a great man. But it's so very very hard.

A counsellor suggested that I feel like this because I have not fully forgiven. Just adding insult to my injury and salt to my wounds. If I am doing it wrong, tell me how to make it right. You think i enjoy this?

I feel unappreciated, unloved, and at times hated without cause. I feel that discrimination is alive & well even in the community of faith today. I feel it's worse if you are female and single because you have none to speak on your behalf. You feel like a liability, a non-entity, a big zero. I say 'feel', coz i want so much to be proven wrong. You give and give to others and in the end your hands are empty. I ask myself, and for what? Spare me the sermons on dying to self. I think i died a long time ago. But if i'm dead, how come it hurts so much?

Last week i broke down. I told God, you had the best years of my life. Now i want what's left. And then i cried some more. I felt i had come to the end of myself. But it's funny. In desperation i called my friend and she's talking but it's his voice i hear. He calls me...my darling girl. I am so FOR you. I break down again but this time i feel his love washing my wounds...healing my pain.

1 O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

The Bible, Psalm 13 (New Living Translation)